i was scanning pages of my organizer to look for things i should discuss to my team. then something different yet familiar caught my sight at the lower right hand corner of the page. i was trying to understand what it is. then little by little i recognized that it was my usual signature and attached to it in cursive writing were three simple letters, the last name of someone special to me. as i flip on the next pages, i saw more... side by side, one after the other...horizontal and vertical manner...too many of them.
these pages gripped my heart and brought me sadness. it was a dream to use that signature, but things happened, that until now, i dont know if there is still a chance.
no one was committed. im a single and he is. i hurt him big time. and i guess that hurt is more than enough to be the reason for him not to come back to me.
i told a friend that im holding on to the 'loveu' this guy told me the last time i had a good chat with him. but i dont know if it's still the same feeling. or maybe it has evaporated into thin air. that maybe waiting for him under the heavy cloud of silence and questions marks will lead me to an unknown path.
honestly i am still waiting. yes there are other opportunities out there but i am stuck to this feeling, to that love. im willing to let go if that's how things will be, if that's what fate will dictate and what God will grant. but i am more than willing to embrace, hold on and try again a life with him.
i havent heard from him for quite a long time now. and that stillness kept me hanging. im prone to pain. i need assurance: if im still needed or closure if i aint.
i wont be able to move on unless i know what is what. i wont be able to give a whole new love if one page isnt closed well.
but on the side, i am hoping that the book wont close. that it will be reopenend. all new chapters. upgraded version. second season. secondary succession.
i dream of you last night... and u left me... i run after you, but you're not there. u might find me 'weird' because it was me who let go but it is me trying to come back but im hoping you feel what i feel.
so please tell me love if it is good bye already or if you still want or need me... because for me, it is still you...
[created May 10, 2011 at 8:36 P.M.]